Convincing Judas
by Aduro
Summary: Snape's musings throughout the sixth book because I believe Dumbledore wanted Snape to fulfill the Oath all along, and how might one feel when asked to betray the one they love? Some religious themes, one shot, dedicated to Maya Snape.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine, and I'm not making any money off of this. I borrowed a few other things, mainly the religious themes from the Bible and a brief quote of Macbeth by W. Shakespeare.

This is dedicated to Maya Snape, who has made wonderful cover pictures for my Code stories, and as soon as I re-do my profile, I'll see if I can link them there.

This is because the seventh book comes out tonight, but I think that Snape is a good guy. These are his musings over the course of the sixth book, after he has taken the vow. I did use some religious themes, and I'm not attempting to draw any parallels or preach or anything. I just thought that this was how Severus might feel being asked to betray Dumbledore.

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Convincing Judas

"Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve. And he went his way, and communed with the chief priests and captains, how he might betray him unto them." Luke 22: 3-4.

The first time Dumbledore told Severus to kill him, Severus had stared. He had then immediately thought that the Headmaster must have found some way to shield himself from the Avada Kedavra, so that Severus would have fulfilled his Oath, but Dumbledore would not die, or at least, not be dead for long. When he had realized that Albus had not discovered such a miracle, but was still in earnest, he had, for the first time in his life, laughed in the Headmaster's face.

Did Dumbledore actually expect him, Severus Snape, to kill the man who had offered him salvation?

Granted, Severus believed he couldn't be saved. Redemption was something he was striving for, fighting for, but he had a great many sins on his soul and a great deal of blood on his hands. Out, out, damned spot. He knew he would die before he ever atoned for his deeds, but he was sure that dying on the road to redemption was a much softer rest place, a sweeter poison to swallow. After all, many people had found salvation on the road, be it in the direction of Damascus or not.

So yes, he had laughed in Albus Dumbledore's face. It wasn't the matter of him not _wanting_ to kill the Headmaster…actually, that was the matter. The Avada Kedavra will only work if one truly intends to kill and if he didn't want to, the curse wouldn't work. How could Severus kill Dumbledore? Everything he was fighting for, striving for, was anchored in the old man. He would give his life for the Headmaster willingly, and gladly. How did one kill their salvation?

So no, Severus wouldn't kill Dumbledore. He couldn't.

The second time Dumbledore had asked him, Severus had been angry.

It had been directly after a Death Eater meeting in which Severus had created a new torture potion for Voldemort. He was sure that giving such a potion to a madman who would enjoy using it had sent him back a good ten feet on his road. He knew that just being able to think of such a potion had sent him back to the gates of hell themselves.

And now Dumbledore broached the subject again and Severus wanted to scream. Did he realize that Dumbledore was the only thing keeping him from being sucked through those fiery gates? That Dumbledore was the only thing anchoring him to light, and hope, and everything good? Without Dumbledore, Severus would be damned.

Dumbledore needed Severus to spy, yes. And Severus would die if he didn't kill Dumbledore, yes. By the end of the school year, yes, but didn't the Headmaster see it didn't matter? He, Severus, didn't matter when compared to Albus Dumbledore, the leader of the light. The world needed Albus more than it needed Severus.

_No, my boy, the world needs salvation._

Salvation is beyond reach, Headmaster. Surely you must see that.

_Redemption is beyond reach. Salvation takes you there._

Even so, it was a mute point. Severus would not, could not, kill the Headmaster, not even to save his own life, because he loved the Headmaster so much more. He could cast the curse, yes, but the Headmaster would not die, the magic wouldn't work.

The third time the Headmaster asked him, after a class with none other that Harry Potter in it, Severus felt hate welling in his chest. Thick, black, angry. How could he, Albus Dumbledore, believe that Severus could actually kill him? Did Dumbledore truly think that Severus was so jaded, so tainted, so evil that he could kill the man who showed him the road to redemption? Surely that was the only commendable quality Severus had, his love for the old man. That was the only thing good about him, couldn't Dumbledore see that? Why did he deny it?

Severus returned to his dungeons, the anger brewing deep inside of him. Dumbledore refused to see the good in him, refused to acknowledge all of his efforts to change, refused his loyalty and love. Why did he deny this? Why?

And suddenly, all love he had for the Headmaster was gone. The Headmaster wished Severus to damn himself by this deed. Perhaps he knew then that Severus would never be saved. Very well. Albus had commanded it; it would be done.

And the hate grew, and the anger grew, and it burned deep within him, and Severus welcomed it. It was said that the spirit of Satan had entered Judas the night of Christ's betrayal; he needed no such urgings.

And so he leveled his wand when the time came, and he didn't need to think hateful things to make the curse work, he could feel it all there, just under the surface. The anger, the loathing, everything ugly. He had thrown away the hope of redemption, he had thrown everything away for this man, this leader of good, and the hate was right there, welling within him, and then he had looked into Dumbledore's eyes, and the hate was gone. It didn't ebb away, it didn't bury itself in the farthest corners of his mind, it was simply gone.

Dumbledore had given him so much, how could he kill this man, how could he despise this man? He could hear the Headmaster's, 'Severus, please', and suddenly he understood. Simon Peter had denied Christ three times, and Severus had refused Dumbledore three times as well, but how could he have? He had pledged Dumbledore his life, but was he willing to only forsake that? Shouldn't true redemption, no, didn't _salvation_ ask for more? For a complete to total devotion.

This was true love, not laying down his own life, because that no longer mattered to him. True love asked to give up everything he held close, everything he cherished, so that all the others might be saved. So now, Severus would no longer deny Albus; he would cast the Killing Curse. He would play Judas and return to the Dark Lord after killing the Headmaster, and he would continue in the devil's service until the time was right, until he could step in and save the child the Headmaster believed in.

And now he knew why Satan had to enter Judas surname Iscariot, and he knew that no such compulsion was needed for him.

"Avada Kedavra."

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Have a happy reading of the seventh everyone!


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